The Group & The Self: Individuality & A Sense of Belonging

Individuality is an ideal loved by most Americans, and flaunting it is welcomed when done by the exceptional. But how individualistic are people, really? You could say Americans stand out as individualists, and I whole-heartedly agree when we're going on American stereotypes. When a culture and legal system is so welcoming of the ideal of individuality, magic can often happen, such as when an artist reaches full bloom, or a charismatic figure moves and motivates the masses in a positive direction.

I had a Chinese student of mine, a young man, native of Jiangxi, give a formal speech recently, as I have all of my students do each semester of Oral English. He went through moving speech about "fear," and how his greatest fear was losing a family member. He told us of a traumatic childhood experience, finding his mother sick and asleep with a bottle of poison in hand, as she had tried to commit suicide. His father got her help and she pulled through. He didn't let on much more about his mother, other than that she is fine now. His speech lasted for about five minutes, followed by fifteen minutes of question asking by myself and his classmates. He ended his time on the stand by writing a Mark Twain quote on the board that read:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

He asked me why one would think they are so special to question the majority like that. Why would anyone be so exceptional to the majority?

I gave him a simple real-world example of how the majority could be mislead, harking back to the old faithfully ridiculed Adolf Hitler and his manipulation of the German people. Perhaps mentioning the carrying out of several Mao Zedong policies would be a bit too risqué for a university run by the Chinese Communist Party.

I also tried to assure him that the majority is often right, but that charismatic leaders can make a big difference in the lives of those who look up to or fear them. This can apply to entire countries, small villages, classrooms, and private dinners.

This whole topic got me interested in a good ponder. In my experience of growing up and adulthood, people often follow other people, and not ideals. People may have beliefs, but this is often bent or swayed when the most confident person in the room has that kind of power. This is usually most pungent in childhood situations, where you see bullying and the egging on from the kids on the sidelines. I'd say you get the same behavior in a whole lot of adults in this world too, but it's more subdued because we have to act like adults.

Individuality is touted by Americans and loved by those who admire America. That's if we're judging on stereotypes and ideals. Go to most populated parts of America and put a true individualist performer that doesn't have the charm of a star in front of a mixed group of common people and you're sure to get a fair share of criticism, and more likely than not, a rude reaction. But again, that's if we're judging on stereotypes. Take away the face-to-face interaction and you get a situation like on most youtube video comment sections: harsh words and mindless insults.

This brings me a to a bigger sense of self that everyone wants to belong to. Most everyone wants to be a part of a group. This is just human nature and it's not going to go away as long as we're human. We became human by communicating intelligently and developing tribes. We all want that tribe to be on our side, out there protecting us, wrapping us up in a safe bubble. With agriculture, tribes grew into villages, villages grew into cities, a whole bunch of history later, we have nations dominating the world.

In America, nationalism and patriotism were a lot more fashionable back in the day. It started to peter out as the cold war ended and became regarded as something mostly ignorant rednecks and professional wrestling fans lavished in. But maybe that's just another stereotype of what liberal elitists might think.

9/11 gave us a nice patriotism refresh, but just went in all the wrong directions with the proverbial "prison style gang-raping" of our Bill of Rights, the unnecessary warfare, and the seething discrimination of really Muslim looking Muslims. This helps make patriotism unfashionable once again, and the meaning of true patriotism isn't really being put into question by many of those who live it and criticize it, so it will be left in the hands of those who flaunt it the hardest.

This brings me back to tribes turning into nations thing. We really want that tribe back, but how can we do that when we're living in such populous countries with so many unfashionable people? Our solution tends to be finding a category for ourselves. Americans love categories. We love to categorize our ethnic backgrounds when we fill out our college applications. We like to categorize our age groups. We love categorizing things we put in our mouths, especially when they have distinct flavors, from sweet to sour to salty. Categorizing is just so natural when you have to distinguish one thing from another. But how should we really take to categorizing our individuality?

That whole college application thing always rubbed me the wrong way. I'm white and I come from an affluent family, but more so in global per capita terms. This, on paper, isn't going to do me any favors on getting in to college, but hey, I have that great affluent background that's giving me a leg-up. Plus, I'm white. And I'm a male. Sounds like the greatest leg-up a person could ask for. But that's when we're judging on stereotypes.

Not only do I have all of these stereotypically great conditions for myself, I also have an international background, going to an American high school in Tokyo. This puts me in a very international and ethnically mixed environment. I had this when I was at an American elementary school Taipei as well. This environment, along with a good education, assured that I would not have issues of racial discrimination. Everyone to me is a person. I don't like to treat people I meet for the first time much differently whether they are male or female, ordinary or exceptional, black, white, yellow, red, brown, able bodied or not. I find that people like to be treated like people, and I find that I like to treat people like people. I don't like walking on eggshells and I don't like beating the bush either, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.

When I have all of these people that I see as peers getting a leg-up on their college application because of their skin color or even vague ethnic background, I find it rather unfair, and very un-American in the sense of the American ideal of "equality." But of course, international school kids are a very small minority of the ethnic make-up of the pan-American college student-body. But minorities are supposed to matter in America, right?

When you start grouping Americans into ethnic categories, you start to see patterns. You see the Asian minorities excelling in the academic and monetary fields, with Big Whitey as a runner up. And you see blacks and hispanics dominating much of the less desirable fields. History and social conditions need to be taken in to account here. America has a rough history of violent discrimination (including that thing the Confederate Flag represents) and this should never be forgotten. We've come a long way since all of that. Racism and sexism hasn't gone away, but it's dissipated quite a bit.

It's the 21st century. We have role-models in the media of every color, creed, gender, body-type, you name it. We have a black president. We have female CEO's running multi-national companies. A lot of progress has been made. Much of this progress was made through the passionate pursuits of leaders in whatever category that wasn't getting their piece of the pie, or worse, getting their piece of the pie force gagged out of them.

These categories formed for a good reason, just like the idea of American independence formed for a good reason, and like how labor unions formed for a good reason. And like Mark Twain's message recited by my student, maybe this is the time Americans "pause and reflect."

I think most people in America have great opportunities for self-improvement, and who doesn't want self-improvement, really? Most people have some kind of goal they want to achieve or some kind of insecurity they want to overcome. What is something most people need for self-improvement, and even the expression of individuality? They need support.

Support comes from your people. Your group. It could be your family, it could be your friends, your team, your organization, your cartel. Sometimes family isn't enough for people, or their family isn't giving enough, or they may not even have a family. This is when your outside groups are necessary for support. And what's a safer way to have support than having a vague category you can belong to for simply being a certain color, or having a certain sexual organ? This requires no further requirements. It doesn't need the social wit to maintain friendships, the skills required to be on a team, the ideas and know-how needed for an organization, and the boldness of being a drug trafficker.

People like to join these categorial groups because they can identify many basic things about themselves with other members of the group. They can also differentiate themselves from the others who may seem undesirable. Basically, these people have found the tribe they've been missing.

Now that people have categorized themselves and joined a group, they can promote their new identity in many ways. For example, they can talk about how hard it is to be a part of that group. The daily struggle they have, putting up with all the jerk-offs and tyrants who discriminate against them. Then they can also talk about the great things their group provides the world with. They can tout the exceptional talents of their members. They can have a group to call their own and identify with.

Now that they have their tribe, they have shown that they are not of some other tribe who they may find less important or desirable, or maybe they just want to differentiate themselves from others somehow and remain equal. And once you start generalizing or critiquing someone's tribe, you know you're in for a world of trouble if this tribe is extra sensitive. Going on statistical facts, you can say "this," "this," and "this," about my tribe, but you better not dare bring up "this" about my tribe or I'm going to be really offended!

The sensitive tribes are often sensitive because of historical issues tied to modern societal problems. We've seen enough hate and unfairness toward women, blacks, immigrants, etc. But there's other tribes who are sensitive for other reasons. You have the "fat tribe" who is sensitive because they don't like to be called fat and that being fat is generally seen as physically unattractive (I wonder why?). You have the "misunderstood teenager tribe" who is just so misunderstood that they need to act out. There's a lot of tribes out there, and they all have their grievances.

I find that a lot of these non-ethnic-non-gender tribes tend to have grievances that stem from personal insecurities. There's a lot of fat people out there that are comfortable with themselves and don't get so sensitive when their fatness is aware to those around them. They go on with their lives as individuals, and live happily. But then you get these advocacy groups, trying to get more fat roles (tempted to write "rolls") on TV and make being obese sexy. Sorry folks, but being fat is going to be seen by most as physically unattractive because it simply doesn't look good. Moreover, it shows that you are most likely not in shape, perhaps hinting that you don't care too much about your appearance, which people tend to find unattractive, as attractive people tend to care about their appearance to some degree. It also shows that you probably won't live long, which in human biological communication means you ain't sticking around for the family. But the bright side is, there's all of those creepy obese-fetish guys I keep seeing on day-time TV talk show clips. They'll make you feel sexy.

It probably sounds like I hate fat people or something. I used to be fat when I was in middle school, so I've earned my stripes. I will talk freely about being fat just like black folks in America can freely say "nigga." I've seen what "fat tribe" has to offer, and it wasn't for me, so I have made it an effort to not be fat anymore. It's possible without developing an eating disorder, believe it or not.

This brings me to another tribe I could sign up for if I choose. I'm not only a white guy with an affluent background. I'm a balding white guy with an affluent background. Hair loss is a sad thing to see on your own head, and many find it extremely unattractive. A lot of women are quite unforgiving if a man is bald. How could a woman be attracted to a bald man? Well I'm married, so there was at least one. She's hot too, so I'm pretty lucky. And what do I do about my baldness? Have I joined "bald tribe" with the likes of Larry David? I choose not.

I don't think Larry is so serious about the whole bald thing. It's definitely a grievance for him, but look how successful he is. Should the guy really be complaining about it at this point? That kind of indignity he felt made much of what his comedy is to us, so maybe it was a blessing? He's not the kind of guy who would have focused his resources on some kind of bald man advocacy group, and I sure as hell would never do that.

So what's really holding back all of these bald, fat, ugly, big-eared, long-nosed, overly-freckled, abnormally large thighed (another tribe I could join but choose not to), buck-toothed, gap-toothed, stained-tooth, pimple faced, big nostrilled, hairy-backed, easily odorous, sweaty, loud-mouthed, ultra-introverted, spastic, nervous, stupid, willfully ignorant, stank-breathed, overly-extroverted, day-time TV watching people? Probably themselves.

People with some kind of physical or personality characteristic that many may find unattractive are going to have a more difficult time getting ahead in the world. If you're a universally recognized beauty, it will probably be a lot easier, in many fields at least. That's where personality is important for those who are not universally recognized beauties. If you have a personality, people can like you for that. Beautiful people can be liked simply because they are nice to look at and a bunch of people want to have sex with them. Those who are not so universally desirable on the atheistic end have to develop a more desirable interior. How has anyone gotten ahead in the world otherwise if they didn't inherit it or use their physical sex-appeal?

From listening to many people's grievances about being a woman or being a certain ethnicity in this day and age, I find that a lot of the time it's probably more about the way they carry themselves as an individual. And how would a white guy from an affluent background know that? Because I live in China and I get discriminated against for being a foreigner and for being white on a daily basis. I know racism well because I can officially join the "I'm a victim of racism tribe" too. I get the positive racism such as "America is great and so are you!" and "oh you have blue eyes (actually green) and yellow hair (actually reddish brown) and you are so handsome!" to the negative racism such as "you are stupid because you are a foreigner" and "you are stupid because you are an arrogant American" and "[we're talking mad shit about you and we think you can't understand because you're a foreigner] (but I actually do understand Chinese so I know what you're saying you racist lout)" and "you can't come in to this bar because you are a foreigner, and we don't take kindly to foreigners in these parts" and the classic, "foreigners and Chinese have much different thinking and you could never possibly understand China or my Chinese-ness."

I find a lot of the foreigners in China also like to have all sorts of grievances about xenophobia when it's often just their lousy personality traits that bring on the negative reactions they mistake for racism. I see it with many of the foreigners in Nanchang: the negative-Nancy's of Nanchang, the loud-mouths of Nanchang, and the I-sleaze-on-local-girls-way-too-blatantly foreigners of Nanchang. Maybe the discrimination has more to do with their behavior rather than their background.

This reminds of my last semester at Hampshire College in the spring of 2008, when certain people of certain ethnic groups were up in arms about discrimination on campus from certain administrators, and I mean low level administrators as well. Some people in those positions at Hampshire treated me rudely whenever I saw them. I was much more shy and passive back then, so maybe that got on their nerves, and they were just lousy people to begin with, so they were rude to me. Perhaps they weren't so racist after all to those others who were treated rudely. Maybe they were just being rude because they were rude people to begin with. Joke is really on them since they probably lead a pretty miserable life, being rude during their boring day job in a cold landscape such as Massachusetts, only to go home to a spouse who is also presumably rude. But we're back on stereotypes again.

I had ethnic friends at Hampshire, who were actually foreigners rather than Americans, and they had great positive personality traits, and they had absolutely no grievances at this time. This, along with how I was treated by these so-called racists made me pretty skeptical of these grievances at one of the most liberal colleges in the world.

Basically, people who have take up this phony-tribalism need to pause and reflect on what's really going on, and it's time for everyone to look at who they are as an individual. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Don't be in denial about it either. People think it regardless. People might even talk about it behind your back. You ought to just face it straight up and work with what you got. Stay positive, stay motivated, and remember to be an individual when the tribe starts acting funny. Don't let your self-esteem get too low, as this will just lead to being disrespected, which can come in the form of racism/sexism or presumed racism/sexism.

Everyone needs an identity. We have our individualistic characteristics, but we also need that tribal factor that's missing in modern society. We live in too populated a world to have actual tribes for all and maintain peace at the same time. At bottom, we need to belong to something bigger, and there are many groups we can join to have this feeling. It would be prudent for all Americans to look in the mirror and see what's holding them back as an individual before they claim sexism, racism, classism, etc.

Once we put ourselves in groups and come to believe that one group is holding another group back, it's going to make it a lot harder for the group being "held back" to overcome the psychological implications of being "held back." If someone is holding you back, it may seem pointless to even try. Unless you're extremely motivated, especially driven from negative affirmation, then you may not even bother to try and get ahead because some other group is just going to hold you back anyway. Then you might start mistaking discrimination about your individual characteristics as racism, sexism, classism, etc. and just get angry at the world. Another psychological nightmare.

It's time for America to start thinking more individualistically, but at the same time, recognizing that we are actually all a part of something bigger. We share a country in an ever competitive world, and times are changing fast. We are all American and that is something we can be proud of despite our uncouth history. But let's get real here, most of the world has an uncouth history, America is just on top right now (but maybe not for much longer) so it is much more apparent. And although racism and sexism has dissipated, it still exists in America, and to an extent most of us would probably wish was much smaller. But we have to face the reality that as long as people look different, have different sex organs, have different cultural characteristics, there's always going to be some kind of discrimination from the ignorant. The best we can do is regard that kind of discrimination as lowly rude behavior, much like we do with everything else we consider lowly rude behavior.